The last day of the month

Today is the last day of the month
Another February will be gone
I shall take my time
to walk, to enjoy the snow
and to inhale the fresh air
Life is a beautiful thing
You can fly even without any wing
You can live anyway you please
this your life
on this last day of the month

This is my daily inner voice

Saturday before going back to work and school

It has been nice this week to be home with my daughters, pets Salem-Hieng, Lilah, wife and a homestay student from Taiwan. Today is the last Saturday before going back to work. I am looking forward to seeing my students and eager to guide and teach them chemistry, forensic science, biotechnical engineering and senior capstone. I need to clean up the basement, go to the dump and drive my family to the city for a little vacation. Now that everyone is feeling somewhat better. I also need to find time to study for my USMLE. Not much more to write today, but this has been my daily inner voice.

You Tube

It was good to see in You Tube, a young Kmhmu band playing a song I wrote, "We're Kmhmu children. Let us love each other...." They're Kmhmu-Lao-American teenagers from Santa Ana, California. I wish I could have been a board certified physician already. So, I can do more for my people. Still, these young people have inspired me to even study harder and smarter in order to pass my USMLEs, find a residency and move on forward in my medical career. I need to start living today, not tomorrow. After reading and studying the first two chapters of pathology and pathophysiology this afternoon, while waiting for nearly 5 hours for my truck 2004 F-250 to be diagnosed and fixed by a Ford dealer in order to pass the Vermont State Inspection, I became scared with so much anxieties about my USMLEs. It made it worst when I received the bill, it was over $289.00. Last year this truck costed me almost $3000.00 for the state inspection. Nothing I could do except to pay the bill and start studying and thinking positively that nothing is impossible.

The Kmhmu teenagers from Santa Ana, California gives me the reason to believe in myself. "I have a promise to keep before I go to sleep," Robert Frost. Like the famous American song, "The Impossible Dream," which so many great singers included Elvis Presley have sang, I will not give up my dream either, no matter what. In order for me to become a medical school, I've had to put my wife and children, elderly mother, sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, friends and Kmhmu-Lao-American through so much. I can't stop now. I need to go all the way to reach my impossible dream even at this later age of mine.

Thank you boys from Santa Ana, California. Thanks for believing in me. Most of all, thanks for your inspiration and for being the wonderful Kmhmu-Lao-Americans. You're the future of our Kmhmu people. If I can become a medical doctor in the United States, you can too. I came into this country as refugee with limited English. I had no parents in the United States to guide and support me. I have had to work to support myself and family while going through high school, college, graduate and medical schools. You can make something out of your life as long as you do it for our Kmhmu people. You will always reach your impossible dream also. For me, I have just enough energy to lift out this barrier that prevent me from becoming a board certified physician. I can do it. I know I can with God's blessing and strength. I know our ancestors and Kmhmu Cheung Empire are watching upon us from their space in time as we're looking up after them. Life is beautiful.

I've kept my promise to my daily inner voice today.

Friday is here

This Friday is the day
I suppose I've been waiting for
For a new day to start living
Taking time to hear the singing birds
They have lived by my side
For years since we've lived in this place
Now that this Friday is here
No longer will I have the fears
No more tears my son
In one we will fly
High in sky
Like these birds
Without worries
Without even a future plan
Yet, they are alive
Living like there's no tomorrow
No regret from yesterday
Living for this moment

This is my daily inner voice

Thursday morning

How quiet it is in my heart and soul. Somehow I feel restless, nervous and uncertain. I made it possible to break my own promise last night. But, this is not why I am feeling quilty. I decided to face my priority this morning by selecting the dates to write my United States Medical Licensing Examination Step 1, and Step 2 Clinical Skills on June 25th in Williston, Vermont, and August 14th in Chicago, Illinois respectively. I have not received the permit for Step 2 Clinical Knowledge yet. I chose Thursday for Step 1 for my father, Shaman Pao Saynyarack. He died on Thursday in Xiengkhoung City, Xiengkhoung Province, Laos. And, August 14th is Friday. So, I can celebrate with Ten, Kit, their families and Laotian friends in Chicago. They were there for me when I was doing my clinical rotations at Jackson Park Medical Health Center. Well, this is it. I need to sit down and study.

This is my daily inner voice

Steering wheel

As a junior high,
I read a book written in Thai
By Saywat. He wrote
Life is like a car steering wheel
If you fall asleep driving
Your car will end up off the road
You must stay focus driving
Steering the wheel to your destination

This is my inner voice tonight

Being humble

Being humble, father John said
on Ash Wednesday
I will pray alone in a closing door
No one needs to know
It is between me and God, the father
I will give quietly
I will sit in the back roll
No one needs to know
Why is a river a king of hundreds valleys?
Because it travels in the lowest position
Lao Tzu
Jesus
Buddha
Mohamed
Father John..., and
Father John Roussin
Rest in peace
I miss you
Thank you for giving me a place to stay
and food to eat while I went to college
Mid-night tonight, I will start my lent
I will do it my way

This is my daily inner voice

The clock is wrong

It is now 11:26pm when I type this! Not 8:26pm as it may appear on the screen! I have not been able to change this clock although that is the fact of life. In any case, I am in the US Eastern time. I wish the whole world and universe would be using the same time format. This way, we'll just figure out our own time. Would this be better, or is this what we have been doing anyway?

This is my daily inner voice.

The end of the day before a new lent

I told my student, Yuan is also my mentee. He is homestay with us this week for the winter break. Lent is the time to recall what Jesus had done for us. As a Catholic we give up a certain thing which we like or enjoy, and use this expense for God either by giving it to our church, or use it help the poors. Yuan said in Taiwan, they don't give money to the poors because they're afraid they will spend it on alcohol and drugs, etc. Instead, they would give foods, clothes and services to the poors. This makes sense, I thought.

"My lent offering is to give up beer and wine completely," I told Yuan. I will use this money for my church because of the heating cost this winter along with the difficult economy not only in Saint Johnsbury, but through out the United States and the world. Also, I will send part of the money to send to my sister in Laos. She is one of the poorest of the poors in this universe. Thus, I must care for her. She is my older sister. She didn't go to school in order to care for us when we were still living in our jungle villages in Laos.

This is my daily inner voice

A sunny day

Melanie and I have just returned from her eye examination. Everything went well, the young physician didn't find anything abnormal in her eyes. Thank you, God, for blessing us with good health. As mentioned, all Melanie, Maya, Yuan (a homestay student), Salem-Hieng (our black lab) and dear (my wife Vicki) are not feeling well. They all came down with cold and flu-like symptoms. Dear has abdominal discomfort. Yet, she left for work this morning. Buddha was right, "Life is suffering." Somehow we must a way to deal with it. I, too, can find some kind of body pains although I don't like to bring out and talk about them. In fact, my lower back is in so much pain right now. It must be painful enough for me to write about it at this moment. Thus, it must be real when one complains of some kind of illnesses.

It is a beautiful day. The sun is bright reflecting the snow. It is good to alive.

This is my daily inner voice.....Have a wonmderful day....

Monday

It has been a full day. Since I didn't have to go to work, I woke up a little late. The snow had been falling through the night. It must be at least a foot and more of snow on our driveway. I didn't mind it despite of my Raynauld's syndrome, poor circulation to digits. It was beautiful to be out there with my dog Salem-Hieng. We didn't mind being locked in our house with snow. Before dear, the girls, a homestay student and our black cat, Lilah, woke up; Salem-Hieng and I were out there filming the scenes and plowing us out. Salem-Hieng and I were the only ones out of the house. We went to the natural food store to get the supplies for our egg rolls, return dear's books in the public library, Green Mountain Mall to get the discount clothes from the JC Penny and look for a pair of cheap boots at the Pay Less Shoes, and get more egg rolls supplies from the Price Chopper.

Then, I spent the rest of the day cooking for the family, building the wood stove, taking left-over foods to the compose and bringing more fire-woods in with Salem-Hieng. In between, I did my best to study for my USMLEs.

My Daily Inner Voice

Good night my friends

Good night
farewell
I hate to say good night
But, I must
So long
Be well
Be happy
Good night
This is my innner voice

My clock

It is now 11:15pm in Saint Johnsbury, Vermont of the USA

Sheffield, Vermont

I once was in Sheffield, Vermont
with my little daughter and a beautiful wife
My neighbors were Done Stone and his wife Helen
After two unsuccessful attempts of the first semesters at St. George's University School of Medicine in Greneda, West Indies
My wife and I decided to buy an ran-down old farm house from a guy from New York City
His Asian wife had died recently of a mysterious illness
He bought the house and land being told it was an 80 acres piece
Instead it was only 40 acres
It was dear's first real estate property
It was my fifth
I could have just settled in Sheffield, Vermont
Where I wrote endless poetry
Where I walked my little daughter into the woods
Only to find a little crying kitten
We called him, "Cocoa."
Where I used to take my wife and daughter in town
Only to find a dog that needed to be adopted
We called him, "Smoky."
Hired men we had
Two men to fix our foundation, Mr. Broom in charge
An electrician, Mr. White, to wire our electricity
Across the lawn and wetland was an American man name Dick or Rich
He gave me a deer's leg that tasted like a human's grace
Now and then the gun shots would go off
Dick or Rich would give me a call
from his trailer across the protected wetland
Across Route 122 was another Stone
A younger Stone with full ambitious
He was a little Vermont man with hundreds tractors
Two of his sons broke our house afterward
When the fire fell out, they all came to rescue
Sheffield, Vermont is in the frontier of the USA
Dancing left-over hippies with a world renounced symphony man
Town hall......
This is my inner voice

Good night

Good night
May the snow keeps on falling
Tonight
I shall take my time
Walk out
With my dog Salem-Hieng
Watch the sky
Letting the snow flakes falling
Covering
My Hilltoppers sweater hood
No flash-light
Through the back yard still
The deers
Along with the wild turkeys
I see
Life is like a symphony
a play
Like Shakespear
My dears
Connection with love
Good night
This is my daily inner voice

Happy 3rd Birthday John Jackson

Yesterday was my nephew John Jackson Saynyarack's birthday. It is hard to believe he is 3 years old already. My older brother Moses and his second wife were having a gathering for him in their home in Oklahoma City. My mother, niece Bouachanh, brother Khamke, sister Oneta and their families were all there to celebrate his birthday. Wish I could be there with my family too. In stead we have been very busy with our live in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. It seems as if many plans did not come true. I never thought I would become a high school science teacher. I thought I would become this world renounced medical doctor like Dr. Thomas Dooley, or Dr. Albert Schweitzer. Mr. Pawell Depta was right when he told me one early morning at the Cambridge Public Library, "One thing I've learned in life is that I can't plan for my future. I thought I was going to come to the United States to study and get a degree in social or political science, and go back home to Poland to do something big. Here I am a reference librarian in a public library."

I could have taken Mr. Depta's advise and never left the library for St. George's University School of Medicine in Greneda, West Indies. Yet, I didn't. Instead of becoming a world renounced physician, I've become a good science teacher for teenagers. I don't mind being with them. I enjoy watching them grow in science and education. I've come to accept that life is too short, to wait to live for tomorrow. My daughters are 16 and 14. My wife has worked in the same place for 15 years while I've been doing whatever I can to be the first Kmhmu-Lao-American to become a medical doctor in the United States. Now I just need to be come a certified physician. So, I can help sick people through medicine and repay my student loans.

I am sorry John Jackson, uncle couldn't be there for your third birthday. May God bless you with good health, wealth and prosperity. May you continue to grow your beautiful life as a great Kmhmu-American someday. With all my love.

This is my daily inner voice

Another snowy day

Finally, our winter break arrived at the end of the school day last Friday. All of my students seemed eager to leave the classrooms and the campus as soon as the bell rang. It took me almost 3 hours before I could go home. Luckily, but sad, I didn't have to take the girls home. Maya came down with cold and flu-like symptoms. Vicki was working from home. So, she picked up Melanie directly from her school instead of having to walk all the way from her school to my office in the science department. Still I had to meet a few students during the conference period before going to Jack Cumming's thank you party for the faculty members and staffs who work for the resident program. Again I was the first to get to his associated head master's house which is adjacent to the head master's white house. Jack was thrilled when I told him, Elizabeth Calvin (the grand daughter of Melvin Calvin, who discovered the Calvin Cycle) received 82 in my Accelerated Chemistry class. "Patient is the key," he told me when Elizabeth first came to my class. She is a bright young woman who accepts responsibility.

After Jack, I went back to the science office, to pick up the 4 dinners I ordered from Mr. Prevoust's caulinary class. I wanted to share two with Mr. Conte, but my bag was falling aparts. I ended up keeping all. He is always joking around with me too much. He told Barbara and his secretary that I wanted to get rid of my left-over trash with him. He gave me a plastic bag to help hold on to the food. Then, I went to the dorm to tell Austin that Mr. Cumming wanted him to sit with a mother and her twin sons on the way to the airport. Jack told me to tell him, if he doesn't do a good job, he "will kick his buts." I also remind Mr. Mold and Mr. Dussault that I would be picking up Yuan the next day instead of Friday as I had planned with him. I just had to many things and engagements to attend. Vicki and I were also invited to attend a dinner at Hyonby and Tom Wales on Friday. I e-mailed Hyon that Vicki and I would be late. We would be able to get there until 6:30pm. By the time I got home it was almost 5:45pm. Maya had been very sick at home. Poor Maya. I gave her some medication and asked her to rest and drink plenty of juice.

I shaved and took a quick shower before Vicki and I went to Hyonby and Tom Wales. They live in a mansion in the town, which they purchased 2 years ago after selling their house in New York. Like many people in Saint Johnsbury, they move here because of the Academy. They had invited a few of the people they met for the gathering. It was very nice of them to do this. The foods were accellent, and the people there were wonderful. Through tennis I met Hyonby at the club.

Melanie and I started Saturday by playing tennis with Richard and Josh Smith. They were getting ready to leave for their Hunduras trip with their church. Then, we went to the Barn to pick up Yuan. He is homestay with us during this winter break. He is a nice and quiet boy from Taiwan. His father is a medical doctor. He talks more about his mother who has inspired him to his faith in Jesus. He closes his eyes and praises before he eats everytime. He is also my mentee at the dorm. He loves tennis although he is not very good in it. With more patient, like Jack said, I should be able to help him improved in the game.

Yuan and I went to the Price Chopper to get some food supplies. We ran into Don Bredes and Denis Camille (sp). Denis is a special aid teacher at the Academy. After paying for the grocery, I mentioned to him, "Everything is so expensive." He answered by asking, "What are not expensive?" I couldn't give him the answer. He said, "Jokes are not expensive as well as friendship." You're right, Mr. Camille. He is a wonderful guy. He is very good in jokes.

It has been good to have him in our house. For the first time since we bought the house, we have someone else sleeping overnight. I put Yuan in my office downstair. Like Maya he is sick with cold and flu-like symptoms. I've been treating them with Tylenol Cold Multi-Symptom and plenty of juice and soup. They seem to fell better today. For the first time this afternoon, Maya was up and came down from her bed, to share a huge meal Vicki had prepared for us after I went to the church.

Speaking of the church, God has forgiven our sins according to the readings. My sins would be forgiven as well. Like most people in the United States and around the workld, our church is going through a rough time. The finance committee chair asked us to look at our life and see if there is anyway we can do give more to the church. He said if we can give up a cup of coffee, and give this expense to the church, that would be very helpful. I will give up beer and wine and EtOH starting wednesday for this purpose and to help my older sister Boun in Laos. I have also signed up for the Adoration every Sunday from 7-8:00am. I need to start studying for my USMLEs. With God's blessing and strength, I know I will pass all of the steps, find a residency and be come a certified physician in 4 years. I'll be 52 years old. Time flies. It seems to fly by so fast lately.

This is my inner voice tonight.

A tiny bird

I ended dropping my croisant
which my daughter had made for me
to eat in order to gain my energy
needed to strike the tennis balls
to capture the win
Instead I dropped it onto the frozen ground
Where the birds can stimulate their souls
But, the tiniest one came along
underneath the bigger's wings he took away the croisant
The river is always a king of hundreds valleys
A wise philosopher Lao Tzu informed his students
Becasue the river travels in a lowest position
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
John Lennon sang to his son...
The bird the tiny one...
Have a grand day my buddy

One more line

Tonight is the night
I shall make a history
I can't wait until tomorrow
When I wake up
I shall find you there
next to my skin
Tonight I may find myself screaming
with a nightmere
I shall stand strong
Longing for you
Until I see you again
Good night.....
Good night....

Dream

Go on dream
Scream, if you wish
A tax man
Sits by the road
A forensic investigator
Walks by several times per six hours
A pumkin sits beneath a straw hat
Awaiting for a young Asian man to ariive
A well known poet in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
James, his wife used to call him
A disciple of Robert Frost
An Amherst College alumni
Together we make phrases
Together we make sentence
Which all end with a period
As it is in the forensics world
A beautiful girl looked and smiled at me
How lucky I am to be here
Running my life into a crowded space
No more race, my son
No more pain, my father
No longer see, my daughter
No longer suffer, my mother
All are beneath the feet
Cover everthing up with a perfection
The Frauhaufers and the 40 Irving Street
The Camery and St. Augustine's wine
The hungers...the hairy cat
and the rusty old man Johnson
in his rusty old car
A plumber he told me to be
He is right...life is today
Forever today...
No it doesn't matter, my friend
In the end, it is just you and me

A windy night

The ecosystem as if
I drove my wife around to see her native towns
Where the young American girl used to live
The unpaved roads
The rivers that almost took away her soul
Catherine's adopted brother
What a a jerk
To feed a 13 years old beautiful American girls with hard liquor
Mr. G, a humble artist and architect
All but nothing redeemed
Jimmy store with a silly candies
Which can stain your teeth and soul forever
Today I walked across the universe
Only to find out I have not lived
Life is too short
Within the myth of the creation.........

Rocky Ridge Rd
St. Johnsbury, VT 05819

Desperately hanging to tonight

Happy 7oth birthday, Reggie
Never thought this day would be here
Once I was a young man
Growing up in the farm
My father bought in Hyde Park
The only place I know best
in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
I used to walk mile and mile across the towns
I played baseball like there was no tomorrow
It was a show like a heavy snow day
We worked, worked and worked to stay alive
Life is the day when I got to play
baseball to escape my world
with my girl beside me
I had no more fear or tear
I am 70 years now
The cloudy day
My son is gone
He is not forgotten
My daughter, son-in-law,
granddaughters and wife were with me
along my 2 cats and my daughter's black lab
What else can I ask for
on my 70th birthday
I've lived my life
from Hyde Park and Hyde Park
In the same mountain for this many years
Happy 70th birthday

The Barn
St. Johnsbury, Vermont
USA

Another Tuesday

I could hardly wait until the end of yesterday
Today is just another Tuesday
Life goes on
The pain comes and goes
The frustration stays
Hard time is over at least for now
The cloudy day and the grayish sky
Fly away on Tuesday
I fell a little better
Today is the day
It is just another Tuesday

The Barns
St. Johnsbury, VT
USA