Life is exciting

Gone to the debating
It was very exciting
Life is exciting
There the end
But not for long
I am typing now
The cloud is fluffly
Fluffy is the cloud
Salem-Hieng is hiding
From the mice he cannot catch
It is a burden on his pride
But it is Lilah's job
She likes to drink her water from cups
Stuff her tummy with salmon dish
The cup spills and leaks through the floor
What more can I say
Good night

Written by Melanie, Maya and their Daddy

This is my inner voice tonight

What is life?

The other day I was asked by a colleague, a retire lawyer, who has decided to take on a task of teaching the US goverment to high school students. "What is life?" he asked. Immediately I thought of John Lennon's song to his son, Sean, "Beautiful Boy." In it, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." But, after another full day as a science faculty member, or better yet, I am a "Professional Teacher," I did ponder the meaning in scientific manner. I thought, "What would happen to me when I die?" Will my mind or my thinking die with it? Doesn't my physical being exist along with my thoughts, or my perception of the intuition!!! To be continued!!!

Is there anyone out there?

Is there anyone out there? It has been a busy summer leading to another autumn in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. I have mostly new students in my classes. Some are eager to learn while many require additional attention in order to input the concepts, or perhaps knowledge needed to pass the state and federal requirements. In any case, I do hope you are doing well in your life. It is exciting, isn't it?

Good night,

B. John
St. Johnsbury, VT
9:41pm

Long time

It seems ages since I last
wrote in this daily inner voice
I must say it was not a choice
going through life without the past

It is so good to see you
Your face, new life
with new passion with your wife
No more son, no more blue

B. John
St. Johnsbury, VT
9:34pm after the Barn

August 1st Already

Happy a new month
Another August 1st is here
Steve Thanner can no longer hit the court
I have not heard from Dick Jesser
Mrs. Reilly is still keeping her federal house in a top shape
with flowers and perfect landscape
I couldn't make myself to Mr. Reilly's grave this summer
As I couldn't do anything else this summer
Time flies......

B. John
St. Johnsbury, VT

Finally

Another one I know is gone
Last month was Ai (brother in Lao) Ten's own father
Today was his mother in law dying and leaving this Earth
Both I met, but I knew her most
She was there in Chicago when Kit (Vongsa) and I were
doing our clinical rotations
She made the best lab pa I've ever had
The last time I saw her she made me this dish
awaiting for my arrival
I was to join them to attend Kit's wedding
I slept in the living room
How I miss her kindness and generousity
She was there for us
Rest in peace Ai Ten's mother in law

B. John

Yuan and his christian music

35 more minutes to mid-night
before I leave the Barn to go home
I've been here since yesterday at 6:30am
Like me, the boys are also anxious
to go home for the summer
Most of them will be their first trip home
from a whole school year in far away land
Yuan is from Taiwan, listening to his
Christian music with his friend, Alan,
who is from Hongkong
They're playing a computer game
Harry, Jae and Daniel are from Korea
Hernando is from Mexico
Al is also from Taiwan
He has gone to sleep
Alvaro signed out to his friend
He is from Mexico also
Max and Brian are from Bamuda
Graeme is from Texas
Austin is from Colorado
Tom and Josh are from Connecticut
James, son of a supreeme court judge,
is from Massachusetts
Kyle, Daniel, Peter, Keith and both Matt
are from Vermont
The proctors: Mark is from NY,
Chris (the head), Mr. M, Peter, Johnna
and me are from Vermont

A deer dying

My wife and I went back to our house in East Albany, Vermont
The place where our farm house was the only one with electricity
The rest of our neighbors were left over hippies from the Kennedy era
A dentist daughter who felt in love with a country-like medical doctor son
A diplomat son who likes to live like a Vermonter in mid 1960s or early 1950s
We brought a little joy and hope to our new neighborhood then
We ate meat and drank the cheap American beers
Not like our neighbors who only eat organic foods and have no heart to strike a little cutie bird for a brunch
I did...yes, I did...that was how I was brought up to live and to survive in my childhood in Laos
My wife and I found a dying deer on our property
He was dying
"Poor thing," he was called
Dying, how fast can he be
The game warden was informed as I left our red house
With our dearest friend, Neil
Not a left-over hippie with his cool and stream-like mother of two or three
It doesn't matter
They were living
I was dreaming
While a deer was dying
I don't know
I just don't know why????????????????????????

How do I feel tonight?

Life goes on
Even today, this hour, this minute.......
This second
Veretas
I can no longer smile
With the lengthy memories
Boston, walden, chelsea, and this is Quincy
Life goes on
One way or the other way
but, life goes on
Even in this hour
When all of my family's members
Have gone to sleep
I will laugh again
Many years from now
When the clouds are completely in control of CO2
Good night
This is my inner voice tonight
BJS

Five more weeks

Today is our day
We'll live like we'll die tomorrow
We'll learn like we'll live forever
Mahandas K. Gandhi told his people
My life is an open book
He was no emperor,
not a military general,
not a president
nor a prime minister
Gandhi was simply a constant experimenter
Five more weeks before we'll go on our seperate ways
Until we meet again
Perhaps not and there is a good chance never again
Good night my students
This is my daily inner voice tonight

Easter 2009

"This is the coldest Easter sunday I've ever had," my father in law kept telling us
At his age of seventy, I am sure he knows what he meant
His basement is warmth by the expensive woodstove,
which he earned through his hard working years
Waking early and traveling to several states to make a living
Raising a family in Glover, Vermont
Started out as a barber
Then, the hippies came; they took away his business
"Noone wanted short hairs," he exclaimed
Life is to blame
Life is a shame
If it is to blame
For life goes on and on
Noone is here to stay
We're simply passing by
through our journey
Life is this Easter
I spent with my father-in-law,
mother-in-law; their beautiful daughter,
whose is my wife and our two lovely daughters;
and not to forget, our pet and my black lab buddy,
Salem-Hieng
He is in a time share
with my in law and their two cats
Life is living
This is my inner voice tonight
B. John

Good night

Good is your
On the hill of Glover, Vermont
Over and over again
Doing what you could
Neath in God's hell tonight
You decide what I meant for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How I Wish

How I wishdon
I could play a piano
Like Amadeus
Like Beethoven
But I can't
In rushing with time
I end up writing these words
from the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
Where I used to have a little infant
Where I did whatever I could
To be alive
The rainbow is beneath our soul
But we must redeem
Screaming for joy
a boy is here to ood night....................

Happy Easter, Passover and Laotian New Year

April 11, 2009

Hi Brother Rick,

This is an opportunity to wish you, Eva and family a Happy Passover, Easter and Laotian New Year (April 14th) at least that was I said to my students before departuring for some, their last spring break (those seniors in my capstone accelerated class). Sorry, I missed your call. As you know me, I often forget my cell phone at home, in the truck, office or coach locker. The last time it was found in one of my three lockers. It was good to find your voice again. That's great, you can speak again.

We went down to Dartmouth College for Maya's college visit yesterday. Even though we're there so often, it is like our backyard with our own tennis courts, it was good to attend the gatherings and tour. Maya was impressed. It would be an ideal if she were to go to college here. Like she said it is her life and future. She needs to go to college where she feels her best.

Yes, it was good for Eva to experience her Jewish side. I think it is very important to know one's identity and cultural background not only in the United States, but also in the world. Life is too short.

Wish you were here. I saved the barn fire for you, but since you couldn't be here. Last night Vicki and I burned it on a Good Friday. As a Catholic I was not supposed to eat all day on this day, I'll switch it for today (Saturday). I almost burned all of my USMLEs, send this life long dream to God. Somehow I didn't. Well, I better get back to my study. It is now 3:54am.

Happy Passover, Easter and Laotian New Year,

J. John

April 9, 2009

Brother,

sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Suddenly its thursday! yes, it was too complicated to get up there this visit. We´ve had a very nice time with my folks, and two celebrations of the jewish passover, which have been great experiences for Eva to discover her jewish side.

yes indeed, not easy times on the economic front.

hey, we should try and at least talk once on the phone while I¨m here. I want to hear a bit more about how you see the boards stuff.

Best,

Rick

April 9, 2009

Hi Rick-

I assume we'll not meet during your visit this time since I have not heard from you. I know you're going through a lot lately. I wish you well soon from laryngitis.

Life is happening so fast. All of a sudden, it is time for Maya to search for a college, and Melanie to start high school. Still it is worth every moment we're together as a family in the Northeast Kingsom of Vermont. Many people are less fortunated than us. At least we have jobs. Infact, too many jobs for both Vicki and me. This year we're hitting by taxes. Not sure how we can make the payment, which is over someone's annual salary. It seems as if the harder we work, the harder we get punished by the goverments. There must be a way out of here.

Hope you're well with your lovely daughter Eva and parents. We'll connect another time.

Happy Passover and Easter,

B. John

April 6, 2009

Borhter,

Of course you can consult me about schools for Maya. its a pretty impressive line up you have for her. My voice is weak, but its starting to come back. So we can certainly chat, on email, the phone, or even in person if we can swing something after april 10th. Its not been super busy really. I´ve just tried to be spending good time with Eva and my parents so far.

So let´s be in touch this week.

Best,

Rick

April 4, 2009

Hi Rick,

You must have so many competing demands now that you're stateside, family, friends, daughter and all others who need your consultation. Of course, this must be challenging with laryngitis. If you have a moment to spare, please send me a line. We have April 10th as a headmaster holiday, and the following week off for the spring break. We still have tennis team practicing, but we will also squeeze in the time for Maya's college visits. We are visiting Harvard, BC, Brown and Brandeis.

Could we consult with you regarding Brown as a possibility for Maya's pre-med and tennis?

Shalom,

B. John

March 25, 2009

hey there brother,
Just checking in. How things going? Studying? Not? More, less? Feeling alive? Like a success or a failure?

I´m coming to visit boston with Eva this thursday april 2. We stay until april 12th. I decided to take the trip because I am having vocal chord problems again and can´t work. Thought I may as well take advantage of the situation. Would love to see folks, but it will be a little complicated without a voice. Of course, it would be like old times. You remember your wedding of course..

Anyhow, hope you are doing okay, and perhaps, somehow or other we could hook up when we come.

Best,

Rick

Freely

If i can only feel this free
freely to write
freely to think
and freely to imagine
not having to confront any rule
any standard existed before my being
If only i can rescue myself
from all these pains
the flame that keeps on burning
inside of me endless
the fire that never could away
If i could only sing
just one more tune
before I could walk away
into the wilderness
forever live freely like a bird
only to scaventure for my daily meal
healing my being with my daily inner voice
If only i can write freely
no worry of the language,
the spelling, the grammar
If i can only have
this much confidence
i shall live freely
happily.....
this is my inner voice tonight
Good night my blog

I am alive

I am alive
even at this hour of the night
while the world is quietly sleeping
even my noisy black cat and my restless black lab
The only sounds I hear are from
my few fingers hitting these key board
the sleepy laptop humming sound
and perhaps all of the inner voices
running deep inside my ears
making a heat wave into my brain
draining into my soul
The trees over the hill
and the blue sky
flying high beneath my feet
up side down, or down side up
it does not matter
I am alive
I am thinking
I am hearing
my daily inner voice
I have so much to live
"...it's fixable," David Martin
I am alive
Good night my wife, daughters, black cat and dog,
and all the mices, the dimming woodstove
my mother, sisters, brothers and their families
my nieces, nephews and their families
my friends, a few less now; Rick with laryngitis,
Ned, his wife and going away to college daughter
Ours too..
I am alive
How lucky I am to be alive.....Good night
This is my daily inner voice tonight

tire

the four wheels keep on spinning
round and round
Bryan
Tom
Hank
and Hank
Another Tom
another john
don, roo
Chris
Jon
Bill
Dan
Stephanie
Helen
Judy, "No more Chinese food!!!"
Onle some I can recall at this moment
My inner voice tonight

Time flies

Since I wrote this inner voice
many things have changed
many people have moved
many people indeed have gone away
like Mrs. Johnson, the legend tennis player's mother
Jerry Johnson
What a great cheerleader she was for her sons
hockey and, most of all, tennis
the Bjorn Borg
the Jerry Johnson
Time flies since I last walked
on my 40 acres of land
in Sheffield, Vermont
when my first daughter was less than one year old
Now she is looking to apply to Harvard, Cornell, and
the far away universities in the mid-west
Time flies when I am here typing each and every word
with my right hand's middle finger and thumb for the space bar,
and my left hand's ring finger
Still life goes on even I don't want to be part of it!
Time flies...always time flies...what can I do?
Nothing except to live.....while time is flying me by
At least I am part of this time flies
this journey.............
This is my inner voice tonight

Good night friends

Good night friends

Before I say Good Night
Noone is here anyhow
Life is like a piano melodies
Good night, Joyce Hampton
You were there for me and your son
Shella......Christiane
Rebecca Haarison
Stanley West
Tommy West
Lillius Barrilar
Dianne was killed in her Honda Civic
Good night

This has been my inner voice tonight

The last key of a piano

No one will ever find this daly inner voice for sure
But, that is not my determination
I shall walk alone for as long as I can
Berlin, Vermont is where it was all started
An OK car seller, John Little, sold my wife and I a
Toyota Pick up Truck, 1994
Ever since I owe the bank
I don't know who is the owner
I might as well say Good Night
No one is reading anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been my inner voice tonight
E-Albany, VT

Walk in a dream

Oh how beautiful it is
Wish you could be here with me
In this lonesome basement bedroom
Where the winter had left its prints
And, a mysterious sounds echo to my brain
Stimulate my soul and energy
Paul Bengston, my neighbor
is willing to do whatever he can
to help me find a residency
My life will then be completed!!!
A board certified physician....

This has been my inner voice tonight

Imagine

Imagine
I close my eyes
I hear a string of ensembles
The noisy dryer
and the memories of the past
The ones in California
The American parks
and the sad story of my dear friends
dying before they got to be young again
Souvalath and Toi
The winnd is gently blowing
I walk slowly into the Adoration
This is the last attempt
Imagine
Imagine
My last chance

This has been my inner voice tonight

B. John

The fire

The fire that is burning inside of me
Yet, I can't let it out
Like a gentle flower in a dirty pond
I am playing with a game that is
no long in fame
Still, like Bill Rodd,
I'm staying behind
While others screaming
It is me....it is me...
That was my dream
The water falling
from a crystal winter
A lawyer and his OCD wife
They live for their cat and dog
Still beneath the ocean
Billions of stories
have said over and over this path
This fire tonight
In the basement of a medical doctor
Life goes on
My neighbor, the CEO of our medical center
Snowshoeing......forever

This is my inner voice tonight

B. John

The common room

Here we are sitting in the common room of the Barn tonight. Ryan is playing his guitar, Tom with his PSP, Austin is ordering East Garden's scallion pancake, Allan and Yuan are manifested by their laptops, and I am typing this daily inner voice. Austin is now fixing a remote control which someone has torn aparts. Keith is joining us, sitting on a broken chair which Greame and Matt had rescued from the dumpster. He is swinging his feet, listening to Ryan struming his guitar. He is getting much better than when I first came to the Barn last year. He has grown so much since I had him in Physics. Speaking of Physics, Austin has just fixed the remote control. He is gifted in physics and computer technology. Everyone is gifted in his own way in the Barn.

As I write, Max and Brian have just came up the stairs carrying their laundry huge basket. They are noding their heads and smiling at me. "Did you have a nice weekend?" (There must be a dozen of freshman girls came to take them for the winter carnival the day before!). They replied with big smiles, "The weather was great."

Alvaro, Jae, James and the East Garden Andy are here too. "Good night," Andy said.

Al has just walked from a shower. Josh has gone to bed. Peter, Matt, Daniel, Matt, Kyle, Greame, Daniel, Harry.....are in their rooms.

Like a painting that is fading away little by little. Soon everyone will be gone. All the voices, the laughs, the sounds of the games, will ne fading away; leaving Mr. M and Mr. G here. Yes, we're a big family like the family I had in the orphanage. Our bond is strong. Forever the faded painting will still be in our hearts.

I must stop. The boys need to get ready for lights out at 10:45pm. This clock is incorrect!

Good night the princes of the Barn....

This is my daily inner voice

The temple

The temple is trumbling down
In three days it will rise again
Despite it took over 46 years to rebuild
Faith is all you need
Sitting here by your side
Where have you been?
All those years
All these years
What do you hear?
Deep within your heart
Deep within your soul
In searching for the truth
The temple shall rise forever

This is my daily inner voice from the Barn tonight

Back on track

Back on track once again
Two days have gone by
Living day by day
flying high above the sky
living as if we're going to die tomorrow
learnibg as if we're going to live forever
Mahamed Gandhi, a great teacher said


This is my daily inner voice from the Barn

Rest in peace, Toy

My dearest friend, Toy
It was sad that you had to go away
fade away from this existence
I will always remember you
and what you've done for our Kmhmu people
At least that's what we knew best
We did what we could
To pass on forward
Our language, culture and traditions
Rest in peace, my dearest friend
Don't worry about us in this world
Your wife and children are well
May you move on to a new world
the world that will give you happiness
as this is what we would want to achieve in this world
in this existence
Go my friend, go and move on with your life
I will be here in this world for as long as I could
I need to get back to medicine
If you can, perhaps you can bless me
Ask God to give strength needed to become a board certified physician
I left my photocopies of my graduation photos and degree for you to see, Toy
For you to see what I have done for you
Because of your love for our Kmhmu people
I didn't give up for you
I brought back the Medical Doctorate and Master of Health Services Administration for you to see
I left the copies in your cofin for those distinguish guests of yours to witness
What you had done, to help the first Kmhmu-Lao-American to become a medical doctor in the United States
I didn't mean for you to harm me or take the priviledge I have
I need to go all the way, my dear friend
I need to become a board certified physician
You must allow this venue to happen for me,
for our Kmhmu people
As I am their hope, Toy
You must believe in me
You must not stop me
I need you to help me to reach our dream
Please acknowledge my degrees
and please bless me to on forward, Toy
Please rest in peace and move to your new life, my dearest friend....
So long....I will always remember you for as long as I live.....
Goodbye my friend.......I'll check on your wife and children....

This is my inner voice for Mr. Toy Vongnapeth, the former Director of the Kmhmu Family Association of Massachusetts, Inc. from 1985 to 2006.

A Prayer for the Week

Dear God, this is the day that you have made,
and I am so grateful to be a part of it.
This is a day unlike any other day,
and I am so grateful for this opportunity to begin again.
This is the day I will place myself totally in your care.
This is the day that I will use to serve you in faith and joy.
This is the day that I am free.
I declare that I am free of fear.
Free of doubt.
Free of anger.
Free of shame.
Free of guilt.
Free of unproductive thoughts and actions.
This is the day, God.
Your day. My day.
And for this day I am so very, very grateful. Amen.

from the chapel in Jackson Park Medical Center, Chicago, Illinois, USA

Good night

Good night Lilah
Good night Salem-Hieng
Good night Dearest Dear Vicki
Good night Maya
Good night Melanie
Good night house
Good night
all the little mouses
Good night my school's laptops
Good night my students
Good night St. Johnsbury Academy
Good night everyone
Good all tennis players
Good night

Good night
May God be with you
Bless you with strength
Provide you with love
Bring out the best in you
For the night is getting late
I shall wish you all the best
Good night

Good night world
Good night universe
Good night this existence
GOOD NIGHT

This is my inner voice tonight
Good night
B John

Dr. and Mrs. Kit and Becky Vongsa

It was good to see Kit and his wife, Becky this past week. This was the first time we have seen them since their wedding on July 14, 2007 in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Kit is like a brother. I met him in medical school. He was one of the fews who came from Laos. Along with us were Stephen Vang and Mona. During the first semester at Ross University School of Medicine in Dominica, we didn't spend as much time with Mona. She was two semesters ahead of us. Since Kit and Stephen came from the same state of Wisconsin, they were roomates in motel adjacent to the campus. After Kit, Stephen and other Asian students visited me in my apartment; they convinced me to move into 2 rooms down from them in the motel. Kit and I used to spend a lot of time together in the library or empty classroom studying. He really knew his stuffs, but somehow I found it difficult to understand him or anyone in medical school. I was in my own world. Looking back it was almost impossible to study medicine. My mind was with my wife and two little daughters in East Albany, Vermont. I missed and worried about them very much. I wished they were there with me. Neil Fromm was our next door neighbor in East Albany, I remember writing letter to him. There were nights when Kit and I used to go over a bridge from the motel into the ocean. We would laid down and looked up the billions stars. I remember telling Kit, "Someday when we look back we will remember these beautiful memories." Yes, those stars, tiny glowed fishes, the wavery ocean surface and gentle wind (sometime cool enough to wish for a sweater) were memories that I shall remember for as long as I am capable of remembering.

Dr. Kit Vongsa is a successful board certified physician now in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He is doing urgent care medicine. Dr. Becky Vongsa, his wife, has just completed her PhD in cellular biology. She is also doing very well in her career. They're making a good living financially. I took them to Boston, to get lobster and to give money to my niece, Bouakham, to take to my older sister Boun when she goes to Laos in 2 weeks. I showed them Lowell, Boston, Brockton and Cambridge. It was a good trip. Vicki and the girls were too busy and tired to join us. They would have been very tired. By the time we arrived home on Saturday night, it was 1:20am on Sunday already. Then, they had to catch their flight in Burlington, Vermont at 7:45am. We had to get up at 4:00am in order to be in the airport on time. Everything worked out well despite the fact that the clock in the USA had to spring forward an hour ahead. This means we lost an hour of time.

Seeing Kit inspired me to work harder in my USMLEs although I've been very tired lately. I had to also work in the dorm yesterday. The chair man of the science came to observe my chemistry also yesterday. Not to mention, the informational meeting after school yesterday before going on to dorm duty. I didn't get home until 11:30pm. Today after school I was a science fair judge at Good Shepard where Melanie goes to school. She was one of the contesters, but I didn't have her on my list. When I got home afterward, I was crashed in bed for at least 2 hours. Dear came home. I was too tired to prepare any meal. I just slept until the time to train Melanie in tennis at the Old Mill.

Life is good. I've been living my life clean although I've been eating at least 2 portions for lunch daily. It is tempting to take the first EtOH, but I have had no need for it. Good has been very good to me and my family. I was able to speak to my sister, brother and mother in Oklahoma this weekend. In all, I will buckle down and study starting tomorrow morning.

Good night.

This is my inner voice today. May you always find peace in your life, B John

Good day sun shine

It is a beautiful Sunday. We've just finished our last lunch with Yuan. It is hard to believe it has been over a week alreay since he has been homestaying with us. In a few minutes we'll take him back to the Barn. Hope he has had a restful week with us. He has been sleeping until noon, and someday even passed noon. We've done our best to provide him a good home. At least he is no ill. I believe he is ready to go back to school.

The last day of the month

Today is the last day of the month
Another February will be gone
I shall take my time
to walk, to enjoy the snow
and to inhale the fresh air
Life is a beautiful thing
You can fly even without any wing
You can live anyway you please
this your life
on this last day of the month

This is my daily inner voice

Saturday before going back to work and school

It has been nice this week to be home with my daughters, pets Salem-Hieng, Lilah, wife and a homestay student from Taiwan. Today is the last Saturday before going back to work. I am looking forward to seeing my students and eager to guide and teach them chemistry, forensic science, biotechnical engineering and senior capstone. I need to clean up the basement, go to the dump and drive my family to the city for a little vacation. Now that everyone is feeling somewhat better. I also need to find time to study for my USMLE. Not much more to write today, but this has been my daily inner voice.

You Tube

It was good to see in You Tube, a young Kmhmu band playing a song I wrote, "We're Kmhmu children. Let us love each other...." They're Kmhmu-Lao-American teenagers from Santa Ana, California. I wish I could have been a board certified physician already. So, I can do more for my people. Still, these young people have inspired me to even study harder and smarter in order to pass my USMLEs, find a residency and move on forward in my medical career. I need to start living today, not tomorrow. After reading and studying the first two chapters of pathology and pathophysiology this afternoon, while waiting for nearly 5 hours for my truck 2004 F-250 to be diagnosed and fixed by a Ford dealer in order to pass the Vermont State Inspection, I became scared with so much anxieties about my USMLEs. It made it worst when I received the bill, it was over $289.00. Last year this truck costed me almost $3000.00 for the state inspection. Nothing I could do except to pay the bill and start studying and thinking positively that nothing is impossible.

The Kmhmu teenagers from Santa Ana, California gives me the reason to believe in myself. "I have a promise to keep before I go to sleep," Robert Frost. Like the famous American song, "The Impossible Dream," which so many great singers included Elvis Presley have sang, I will not give up my dream either, no matter what. In order for me to become a medical school, I've had to put my wife and children, elderly mother, sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews, friends and Kmhmu-Lao-American through so much. I can't stop now. I need to go all the way to reach my impossible dream even at this later age of mine.

Thank you boys from Santa Ana, California. Thanks for believing in me. Most of all, thanks for your inspiration and for being the wonderful Kmhmu-Lao-Americans. You're the future of our Kmhmu people. If I can become a medical doctor in the United States, you can too. I came into this country as refugee with limited English. I had no parents in the United States to guide and support me. I have had to work to support myself and family while going through high school, college, graduate and medical schools. You can make something out of your life as long as you do it for our Kmhmu people. You will always reach your impossible dream also. For me, I have just enough energy to lift out this barrier that prevent me from becoming a board certified physician. I can do it. I know I can with God's blessing and strength. I know our ancestors and Kmhmu Cheung Empire are watching upon us from their space in time as we're looking up after them. Life is beautiful.

I've kept my promise to my daily inner voice today.

Friday is here

This Friday is the day
I suppose I've been waiting for
For a new day to start living
Taking time to hear the singing birds
They have lived by my side
For years since we've lived in this place
Now that this Friday is here
No longer will I have the fears
No more tears my son
In one we will fly
High in sky
Like these birds
Without worries
Without even a future plan
Yet, they are alive
Living like there's no tomorrow
No regret from yesterday
Living for this moment

This is my daily inner voice

Thursday morning

How quiet it is in my heart and soul. Somehow I feel restless, nervous and uncertain. I made it possible to break my own promise last night. But, this is not why I am feeling quilty. I decided to face my priority this morning by selecting the dates to write my United States Medical Licensing Examination Step 1, and Step 2 Clinical Skills on June 25th in Williston, Vermont, and August 14th in Chicago, Illinois respectively. I have not received the permit for Step 2 Clinical Knowledge yet. I chose Thursday for Step 1 for my father, Shaman Pao Saynyarack. He died on Thursday in Xiengkhoung City, Xiengkhoung Province, Laos. And, August 14th is Friday. So, I can celebrate with Ten, Kit, their families and Laotian friends in Chicago. They were there for me when I was doing my clinical rotations at Jackson Park Medical Health Center. Well, this is it. I need to sit down and study.

This is my daily inner voice

Steering wheel

As a junior high,
I read a book written in Thai
By Saywat. He wrote
Life is like a car steering wheel
If you fall asleep driving
Your car will end up off the road
You must stay focus driving
Steering the wheel to your destination

This is my inner voice tonight

Being humble

Being humble, father John said
on Ash Wednesday
I will pray alone in a closing door
No one needs to know
It is between me and God, the father
I will give quietly
I will sit in the back roll
No one needs to know
Why is a river a king of hundreds valleys?
Because it travels in the lowest position
Lao Tzu
Jesus
Buddha
Mohamed
Father John..., and
Father John Roussin
Rest in peace
I miss you
Thank you for giving me a place to stay
and food to eat while I went to college
Mid-night tonight, I will start my lent
I will do it my way

This is my daily inner voice

The clock is wrong

It is now 11:26pm when I type this! Not 8:26pm as it may appear on the screen! I have not been able to change this clock although that is the fact of life. In any case, I am in the US Eastern time. I wish the whole world and universe would be using the same time format. This way, we'll just figure out our own time. Would this be better, or is this what we have been doing anyway?

This is my daily inner voice.

The end of the day before a new lent

I told my student, Yuan is also my mentee. He is homestay with us this week for the winter break. Lent is the time to recall what Jesus had done for us. As a Catholic we give up a certain thing which we like or enjoy, and use this expense for God either by giving it to our church, or use it help the poors. Yuan said in Taiwan, they don't give money to the poors because they're afraid they will spend it on alcohol and drugs, etc. Instead, they would give foods, clothes and services to the poors. This makes sense, I thought.

"My lent offering is to give up beer and wine completely," I told Yuan. I will use this money for my church because of the heating cost this winter along with the difficult economy not only in Saint Johnsbury, but through out the United States and the world. Also, I will send part of the money to send to my sister in Laos. She is one of the poorest of the poors in this universe. Thus, I must care for her. She is my older sister. She didn't go to school in order to care for us when we were still living in our jungle villages in Laos.

This is my daily inner voice

A sunny day

Melanie and I have just returned from her eye examination. Everything went well, the young physician didn't find anything abnormal in her eyes. Thank you, God, for blessing us with good health. As mentioned, all Melanie, Maya, Yuan (a homestay student), Salem-Hieng (our black lab) and dear (my wife Vicki) are not feeling well. They all came down with cold and flu-like symptoms. Dear has abdominal discomfort. Yet, she left for work this morning. Buddha was right, "Life is suffering." Somehow we must a way to deal with it. I, too, can find some kind of body pains although I don't like to bring out and talk about them. In fact, my lower back is in so much pain right now. It must be painful enough for me to write about it at this moment. Thus, it must be real when one complains of some kind of illnesses.

It is a beautiful day. The sun is bright reflecting the snow. It is good to alive.

This is my daily inner voice.....Have a wonmderful day....

Monday

It has been a full day. Since I didn't have to go to work, I woke up a little late. The snow had been falling through the night. It must be at least a foot and more of snow on our driveway. I didn't mind it despite of my Raynauld's syndrome, poor circulation to digits. It was beautiful to be out there with my dog Salem-Hieng. We didn't mind being locked in our house with snow. Before dear, the girls, a homestay student and our black cat, Lilah, woke up; Salem-Hieng and I were out there filming the scenes and plowing us out. Salem-Hieng and I were the only ones out of the house. We went to the natural food store to get the supplies for our egg rolls, return dear's books in the public library, Green Mountain Mall to get the discount clothes from the JC Penny and look for a pair of cheap boots at the Pay Less Shoes, and get more egg rolls supplies from the Price Chopper.

Then, I spent the rest of the day cooking for the family, building the wood stove, taking left-over foods to the compose and bringing more fire-woods in with Salem-Hieng. In between, I did my best to study for my USMLEs.

My Daily Inner Voice

Good night my friends

Good night
farewell
I hate to say good night
But, I must
So long
Be well
Be happy
Good night
This is my innner voice

My clock

It is now 11:15pm in Saint Johnsbury, Vermont of the USA

Sheffield, Vermont

I once was in Sheffield, Vermont
with my little daughter and a beautiful wife
My neighbors were Done Stone and his wife Helen
After two unsuccessful attempts of the first semesters at St. George's University School of Medicine in Greneda, West Indies
My wife and I decided to buy an ran-down old farm house from a guy from New York City
His Asian wife had died recently of a mysterious illness
He bought the house and land being told it was an 80 acres piece
Instead it was only 40 acres
It was dear's first real estate property
It was my fifth
I could have just settled in Sheffield, Vermont
Where I wrote endless poetry
Where I walked my little daughter into the woods
Only to find a little crying kitten
We called him, "Cocoa."
Where I used to take my wife and daughter in town
Only to find a dog that needed to be adopted
We called him, "Smoky."
Hired men we had
Two men to fix our foundation, Mr. Broom in charge
An electrician, Mr. White, to wire our electricity
Across the lawn and wetland was an American man name Dick or Rich
He gave me a deer's leg that tasted like a human's grace
Now and then the gun shots would go off
Dick or Rich would give me a call
from his trailer across the protected wetland
Across Route 122 was another Stone
A younger Stone with full ambitious
He was a little Vermont man with hundreds tractors
Two of his sons broke our house afterward
When the fire fell out, they all came to rescue
Sheffield, Vermont is in the frontier of the USA
Dancing left-over hippies with a world renounced symphony man
Town hall......
This is my inner voice

Good night

Good night
May the snow keeps on falling
Tonight
I shall take my time
Walk out
With my dog Salem-Hieng
Watch the sky
Letting the snow flakes falling
Covering
My Hilltoppers sweater hood
No flash-light
Through the back yard still
The deers
Along with the wild turkeys
I see
Life is like a symphony
a play
Like Shakespear
My dears
Connection with love
Good night
This is my daily inner voice

Happy 3rd Birthday John Jackson

Yesterday was my nephew John Jackson Saynyarack's birthday. It is hard to believe he is 3 years old already. My older brother Moses and his second wife were having a gathering for him in their home in Oklahoma City. My mother, niece Bouachanh, brother Khamke, sister Oneta and their families were all there to celebrate his birthday. Wish I could be there with my family too. In stead we have been very busy with our live in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. It seems as if many plans did not come true. I never thought I would become a high school science teacher. I thought I would become this world renounced medical doctor like Dr. Thomas Dooley, or Dr. Albert Schweitzer. Mr. Pawell Depta was right when he told me one early morning at the Cambridge Public Library, "One thing I've learned in life is that I can't plan for my future. I thought I was going to come to the United States to study and get a degree in social or political science, and go back home to Poland to do something big. Here I am a reference librarian in a public library."

I could have taken Mr. Depta's advise and never left the library for St. George's University School of Medicine in Greneda, West Indies. Yet, I didn't. Instead of becoming a world renounced physician, I've become a good science teacher for teenagers. I don't mind being with them. I enjoy watching them grow in science and education. I've come to accept that life is too short, to wait to live for tomorrow. My daughters are 16 and 14. My wife has worked in the same place for 15 years while I've been doing whatever I can to be the first Kmhmu-Lao-American to become a medical doctor in the United States. Now I just need to be come a certified physician. So, I can help sick people through medicine and repay my student loans.

I am sorry John Jackson, uncle couldn't be there for your third birthday. May God bless you with good health, wealth and prosperity. May you continue to grow your beautiful life as a great Kmhmu-American someday. With all my love.

This is my daily inner voice

Another snowy day

Finally, our winter break arrived at the end of the school day last Friday. All of my students seemed eager to leave the classrooms and the campus as soon as the bell rang. It took me almost 3 hours before I could go home. Luckily, but sad, I didn't have to take the girls home. Maya came down with cold and flu-like symptoms. Vicki was working from home. So, she picked up Melanie directly from her school instead of having to walk all the way from her school to my office in the science department. Still I had to meet a few students during the conference period before going to Jack Cumming's thank you party for the faculty members and staffs who work for the resident program. Again I was the first to get to his associated head master's house which is adjacent to the head master's white house. Jack was thrilled when I told him, Elizabeth Calvin (the grand daughter of Melvin Calvin, who discovered the Calvin Cycle) received 82 in my Accelerated Chemistry class. "Patient is the key," he told me when Elizabeth first came to my class. She is a bright young woman who accepts responsibility.

After Jack, I went back to the science office, to pick up the 4 dinners I ordered from Mr. Prevoust's caulinary class. I wanted to share two with Mr. Conte, but my bag was falling aparts. I ended up keeping all. He is always joking around with me too much. He told Barbara and his secretary that I wanted to get rid of my left-over trash with him. He gave me a plastic bag to help hold on to the food. Then, I went to the dorm to tell Austin that Mr. Cumming wanted him to sit with a mother and her twin sons on the way to the airport. Jack told me to tell him, if he doesn't do a good job, he "will kick his buts." I also remind Mr. Mold and Mr. Dussault that I would be picking up Yuan the next day instead of Friday as I had planned with him. I just had to many things and engagements to attend. Vicki and I were also invited to attend a dinner at Hyonby and Tom Wales on Friday. I e-mailed Hyon that Vicki and I would be late. We would be able to get there until 6:30pm. By the time I got home it was almost 5:45pm. Maya had been very sick at home. Poor Maya. I gave her some medication and asked her to rest and drink plenty of juice.

I shaved and took a quick shower before Vicki and I went to Hyonby and Tom Wales. They live in a mansion in the town, which they purchased 2 years ago after selling their house in New York. Like many people in Saint Johnsbury, they move here because of the Academy. They had invited a few of the people they met for the gathering. It was very nice of them to do this. The foods were accellent, and the people there were wonderful. Through tennis I met Hyonby at the club.

Melanie and I started Saturday by playing tennis with Richard and Josh Smith. They were getting ready to leave for their Hunduras trip with their church. Then, we went to the Barn to pick up Yuan. He is homestay with us during this winter break. He is a nice and quiet boy from Taiwan. His father is a medical doctor. He talks more about his mother who has inspired him to his faith in Jesus. He closes his eyes and praises before he eats everytime. He is also my mentee at the dorm. He loves tennis although he is not very good in it. With more patient, like Jack said, I should be able to help him improved in the game.

Yuan and I went to the Price Chopper to get some food supplies. We ran into Don Bredes and Denis Camille (sp). Denis is a special aid teacher at the Academy. After paying for the grocery, I mentioned to him, "Everything is so expensive." He answered by asking, "What are not expensive?" I couldn't give him the answer. He said, "Jokes are not expensive as well as friendship." You're right, Mr. Camille. He is a wonderful guy. He is very good in jokes.

It has been good to have him in our house. For the first time since we bought the house, we have someone else sleeping overnight. I put Yuan in my office downstair. Like Maya he is sick with cold and flu-like symptoms. I've been treating them with Tylenol Cold Multi-Symptom and plenty of juice and soup. They seem to fell better today. For the first time this afternoon, Maya was up and came down from her bed, to share a huge meal Vicki had prepared for us after I went to the church.

Speaking of the church, God has forgiven our sins according to the readings. My sins would be forgiven as well. Like most people in the United States and around the workld, our church is going through a rough time. The finance committee chair asked us to look at our life and see if there is anyway we can do give more to the church. He said if we can give up a cup of coffee, and give this expense to the church, that would be very helpful. I will give up beer and wine and EtOH starting wednesday for this purpose and to help my older sister Boun in Laos. I have also signed up for the Adoration every Sunday from 7-8:00am. I need to start studying for my USMLEs. With God's blessing and strength, I know I will pass all of the steps, find a residency and be come a certified physician in 4 years. I'll be 52 years old. Time flies. It seems to fly by so fast lately.

This is my inner voice tonight.

A tiny bird

I ended dropping my croisant
which my daughter had made for me
to eat in order to gain my energy
needed to strike the tennis balls
to capture the win
Instead I dropped it onto the frozen ground
Where the birds can stimulate their souls
But, the tiniest one came along
underneath the bigger's wings he took away the croisant
The river is always a king of hundreds valleys
A wise philosopher Lao Tzu informed his students
Becasue the river travels in a lowest position
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans
John Lennon sang to his son...
The bird the tiny one...
Have a grand day my buddy

One more line

Tonight is the night
I shall make a history
I can't wait until tomorrow
When I wake up
I shall find you there
next to my skin
Tonight I may find myself screaming
with a nightmere
I shall stand strong
Longing for you
Until I see you again
Good night.....
Good night....

Dream

Go on dream
Scream, if you wish
A tax man
Sits by the road
A forensic investigator
Walks by several times per six hours
A pumkin sits beneath a straw hat
Awaiting for a young Asian man to ariive
A well known poet in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
James, his wife used to call him
A disciple of Robert Frost
An Amherst College alumni
Together we make phrases
Together we make sentence
Which all end with a period
As it is in the forensics world
A beautiful girl looked and smiled at me
How lucky I am to be here
Running my life into a crowded space
No more race, my son
No more pain, my father
No longer see, my daughter
No longer suffer, my mother
All are beneath the feet
Cover everthing up with a perfection
The Frauhaufers and the 40 Irving Street
The Camery and St. Augustine's wine
The hungers...the hairy cat
and the rusty old man Johnson
in his rusty old car
A plumber he told me to be
He is right...life is today
Forever today...
No it doesn't matter, my friend
In the end, it is just you and me

A windy night

The ecosystem as if
I drove my wife around to see her native towns
Where the young American girl used to live
The unpaved roads
The rivers that almost took away her soul
Catherine's adopted brother
What a a jerk
To feed a 13 years old beautiful American girls with hard liquor
Mr. G, a humble artist and architect
All but nothing redeemed
Jimmy store with a silly candies
Which can stain your teeth and soul forever
Today I walked across the universe
Only to find out I have not lived
Life is too short
Within the myth of the creation.........

Rocky Ridge Rd
St. Johnsbury, VT 05819

Desperately hanging to tonight

Happy 7oth birthday, Reggie
Never thought this day would be here
Once I was a young man
Growing up in the farm
My father bought in Hyde Park
The only place I know best
in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont
I used to walk mile and mile across the towns
I played baseball like there was no tomorrow
It was a show like a heavy snow day
We worked, worked and worked to stay alive
Life is the day when I got to play
baseball to escape my world
with my girl beside me
I had no more fear or tear
I am 70 years now
The cloudy day
My son is gone
He is not forgotten
My daughter, son-in-law,
granddaughters and wife were with me
along my 2 cats and my daughter's black lab
What else can I ask for
on my 70th birthday
I've lived my life
from Hyde Park and Hyde Park
In the same mountain for this many years
Happy 70th birthday

The Barn
St. Johnsbury, Vermont
USA

Another Tuesday

I could hardly wait until the end of yesterday
Today is just another Tuesday
Life goes on
The pain comes and goes
The frustration stays
Hard time is over at least for now
The cloudy day and the grayish sky
Fly away on Tuesday
I fell a little better
Today is the day
It is just another Tuesday

The Barns
St. Johnsbury, VT
USA

Life goes on

In the mid of indecision
I walked through the snow
With my dog Salem-Hieng
No one else except us in the hills
Far away from the world I used to know
Here in the woods where the snow is in charge
I start to wonder of the past
The future....not so much of the present
The snow I felt beneath my feet
Too sweat to recall
A tennis rising star
No more son, father
No more daughter, mother
No more pain, my world
My girls
My wife
My dear...
No more fear...
I leave it all to you, my God
Good night.....

The coldest day in Vermont

Despite the fact that the temperature was below -30 degree celcius this morning, it was beautiful to wake up. I took my time, taking the plow off from my Ford F-250 Super Duty truck. I didn't realize I had a dorm duty until I got to school. Still after taking off the plow and starting the truck, I began to rush -- brushing and flossing my teeth, shaving and jumping into a shower, putting anything clothes warm on with a tie and stepping out again into the cold and into the truck in which Maya, my daugther had been waiting. I needed to unlock the door of one of the classrooms I teach for a group of Bible study. I am very proud to be their advisor even though I have not had much opportunity participated much in the study. It was the first meeting of the year and semester. Thus, I made an affort to sit-in in the beginning of the meeting. Ben Price, a mdecial son leaded the study. He opened it by inviting anyone to any discussion. Somehow I ended up asking the group to help me pray for God's strength and blessing. I told them that going through medical school was the hardest task I have done in my life. It was even harder than being starving in Laos. Many times I was holding onto the edge of a cliff with my fingernails. With God's blessing and strength, I managed to keep my promise to become the first Kmhmu-Lao-American to become a medical doctor.

Time

Time is something we don't really have
It passes us by continously

The Barn

The Barn is full of very unique people
We're all family, doctor
You got to love it
Senior, junior, freshman and shopmore
Thought of the Barn
Yuan is very grumpy today
Go to your bed, freshman
He got four more years to go
You better come back next year
You won't find a better school than this
We have students from all over the world here
Spain, Mexico, China, Hongkong, Thailand, Germany,
Vietnam, Korea, Bermuda, Chile, France....Vermont and
all over the United States too.....
Five minutes to lights out!
Good night, guys....
See you tomorrow...

A snowy morning in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont

We woke up with one of the most beautiful snowy mornings in the Northeast Kingdom of Vermont. We had not had this type of snow for as long as I can remember. The snow was so soft, light, clean and shinny all over the lawn and driveway. It was a perfect morning to get up and rush outside into the snow with our dog, Salem-Hieng. Hieng means black in Kmhmu, a native language of what used to be known as the Kingdom of Laos, or the Lao Larn Xang (the Lao Million Elephants). He is a good dog and friend. Many times he would be by my side when I am alone in the woods, or alone at night going to our shed to bring loads of firewood inside the house. If not for Salem-Hieng, I would be scare and afraid of the woods and darkness. Growing up in the Kingdom of Laos, now the country is known as the Republic of Lao, we were brought up with all different kind of scary and ghost stories and folktales. We were taught that the spirits of the death such as the ones we know and our ancestors, who used to live in that particular area will never faded away. They will still be there until they are born into another living in this existence. Despite the fact that I believe in science and have been living in the Western world longer than in Laos or Asia, I can't help myself getting scared in the darks and woods.